DEAR MAN Skills

Why Use this Skill

Getting what you want within relationships can be tough. Being clear and explicit about what you want can be super tricky, especially if you struggle with people-pleasing or if you’ve never been taught communication skills. DEAR MAN provides concrete suggestions for how to assert yourself, hopefully making it a bit easier.

When to Use This Skill

Use DEAR MAN when:

• You want to ask for something or say “no”.
• You want to say “no” to someone else’s request.
• You want to express your beliefs or feelings.
• You want to set interpersonal limits or discuss boundaries.

How to Use This Skill

The “DEAR” skills offer advice for what to say to someone when you’re asserting yourself.

The “MAN” skills offer advice for how to say your DEAR script, so that you’re more likely to get what you want.

We’ll walk through each below.

 

DEAR is a set of skills that you can use like a script:

• Describe the situation briefly, so that the other person understands what the conversation is about. You can remind the other person what recently happened between you, what the current situation is that’s driving your request, or whatever else you think they need to know to understand what you’re actually asserting.

“This morning, you went to the grocery store without taking the grocery list.”

• Explain how you feel about the situation and your assert. What emotions are you feeling? Why is this situation, boundary, request, or “no” important to you? Briefly tell the other person.

“I appreciate you going shopping, but I’m frustrated, because we have things on the list that we need for dinner tonight, and now one of us has to go back to the store to get them.”

• Assert yourself, asking for what you want specifically, saying “no” explicitly, or clearly stating your opinion. Don’t assume the other person knows what you want just because you’ve explained how you feel!

“Next time you go grocery shopping, could you please take the list, or at least check-in with me before you leave?”

• Reinforce the person for considering your request, respecting your decline, or listening to what you have to say. You can always just say “thank you,” but mention if there’s something else specific that makes it worthwhile for the person to give you what you want. (This isn’t about manipulation as much as considering the other person’s point of view or expressing appreciation, in line with the GIVE skills.)

“I would really appreciate it, and it would save both of us precious time—I know you are just as busy as I am!”

You can use the DEAR guidelines exactly to write out a script of what to say, but feel free to change the order of DEAR to suit your needs and style. For example, Describe and Explain may not always be relevant, like when you assert a boundary immediately in response to someone’s unwanted behavior in real-time.

 

MAN is a set of skills that can help you increase your assertiveness:

• Stay Mindful of your goals (e.g., your “Assert”). If the other person brings up other topics, threatens you, or expresses judgment, ignore it. Bring it back to your request/desire, gently and repeatedly. Be a “broken record.”
• Appear Confident when asserting yourself. Speak clearly and loud enough so the other person can hear you. Try to use confident body language: face the person, uncross your arms, and don’t look at the ground. Calmly ask for time to think or decide, as much as you need to.
• Negotiate with the person if you just can’t agree. Be prepared going into the conversation with an idea of what you may give to get, or how you may be able to flex or change your assert, based on the other person’s situation. Ask the other person what they think you both should do, given what your needs or limits are.

Remember that the DEAR MAN skills are just suggestions. While these tips can definitely help people improve their assertiveness, not all of these tips may be appropriate for your situation, culture, or neurotype. Use them as inspiration!