GIVE Skills

Why Use this Skill

Considering the perspectives and needs of other people can increase your intimacy and connection with them. Acting and communicating in specific ways can help you improve or maintain your relationships with people, especially when asking for things you want. The “GIVE” skills offer some tips for improving your communication in these ways.

When to Use This Skill

Use GIVE when:

• You want to strengthen intimacy with someone.
• You want to assert your boundaries, ask for something, or say “no” while keeping the other person happy.
• You want a social interaction to go most smoothly.

How to Use This Skill

GIVE is an acronym that offers ideas to consider when you’re interacting with other people* and want to improve or maintain a good relationship with them:

• Be Gentle.
  • Don’t attack the other person, physically or verbally (like with name-calling or yelling).
  • Try not to judge the other person, evaluating them as “good” or “bad”, or telling them what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do.
  • Avoid judgmental body language, too, like eye-rolling, smirking, sneering, or crossing your arms and turning away.
• Act Interested.
  • Listen to the other person and ask them questions about what they’re saying.
  • Try not to interrupt or talk over them.
  • Try to use body language that expresses that you are listening and care about what the person has to say, like facing them, putting your phone away, making eye contact, or responding with your genuine brief reactions.
• Validate.
  • Communicate to the person that their experience makes sense.
  • Use the “six levels” of validation from DBT.
  • Try to see the world from the other person’s side of things.
• Use an Easy Manner.
  • Be diplomatic and approach things lightly.
  • Try smiling, staying light-hearted, or using humor (when it makes sense for the situation and feels natural to you).

*Keep in mind: the original GIVE skills were developed with American and neurotypical social norms in mind. Not all of the GIVE skills may be as relevant for you, your situation, your culture, or the other person—that’s OK!

If you have a relationship with someone, you can ask the other person directly what you can do to make them feel heard, seen, and supported. Those will be your best GIVE skills for that relationship! You also can tell them any preferences or limitations you have (e.g., you are not comfortable with eye contact), building trust and intimacy together.

Finally, always remember that the GIVE skills should always be balanced with the “FAST” skills of self-respect. You want to consider both your needs and the needs of the other person. Sometimes, you’ll lean heavily on the GIVE skills. Sometimes, you’ll lean way more heavily on the FAST skills!