Dialectics
Dialectics is understanding that opposite things can be true at the same time. Increasing the amount you think and act dialectically is very helpful for mental health.
Stories
There are a couple of major projects that I'm working on that I'm not making as much progress as I'd like. The dialectic is that I want my house to be clean and also that cleaning causes me a great deal of pain.
I decided to honor both feelings by being happy or trying to be pleasant in the restaurant and knowing I'm going to go home and feel sad. I will give myself time and space for sadness.
A common dialectic that I have is that I did a really good job, but that I could also do better.
Catastrophizing pushes me from the orange stress level to the red stress level zone really fast. I realize in these situations I an use dialectics by remembering that two ideas, two opposite ideas and facts can exist at the same time.
Community Tips
Someone told me Dialectics can save relationships. I get that now. If I can make room for the idea that my Dad's feelings and thoughts make sense given his history and biology, even if I don't like them, it takes some of the pressure off our relationship.
One dialectic that I see is that someone can both want to live and want to die at the same time. Most people don't understand this. I need to pay attention to both of these for myself because I don't want to make a life‑ending decision based on how I feel in the moment, knowing it will change.
There's this important dialectic where you can be committed to living, but suicidal thoughts can still come up and try to be very convincing. Seems like opposites, but it's probably just my brain doing old things while it is still learning new things.
I have a hard time when people state things that are clearly not fact. Dialectics doesn't mean that they are right, it just means to me that how they got there was caused and makes sense given their history.
Suicidal thoughts are important to pay attention to, AND ALSO I don't have to panic. That's a dialectic I'm leaning on. The thoughts are signals that it is important to check in with myself about my stress and to reach out to those I trust.
Something I try to remember is that my feelings about something can make complete sense and I might not want to act on them. Like I can feel like jumping out of a fast moving car on a frustrating road trip and I can still stay in the car.
Why Use this Skill
When people get really upset, they start thinking in more extreme, rigid, or “all or nothing” types of ways. If you struggle with intense emotions, you might get stuck in this type of thinking more often, which can lead to hopelessness, self-hate, conflict, and suffering. Dialectics asks us to practice seeing things flexibly and accurately, which can improve our relationships, self-esteem, and overall emotional wellness.
When to Use This Skill
Use Dialectics when:
- You want to decrease your emotional suffering.
- You want to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
- You struggle with splitting, inflexibility, or black-and-white thinking.
In the image above, what do you see?
At first glance, it’s a duck. And at the same time, it’s a rabbit. Both are true, even though they seem to contradict each other.
The mind often wants to choose: duck or rabbit. Dialectics allows room for both. Two different perspectives can be true at the same time.
How to Use This Skill
Dialectics is all about figuring out how two seemingly opposite things could actually both be true.
Dialectics recognizes that everything is interconnected and everything is constantly changing. Based on these beliefs, dialectical thinking has you look for new perspectives and truths that you haven’t considered before.
While there are infinite ways to think and act dialectically, here are some basic ideas for how you might practice:
- When you use language like “but” or “either-or” or “always” or “never,” try using “and” or “both-and” or “sometimes.”
- Actively validate and try to see things from another person’s point of view. In conflict, try to find the solution or perspective that incorporates everyone’s needs and experiences.
- Actively validate yourself and try to understand why all parts of your experience make perfect sense.
- Practice Wise Mind, dialectically balancing emotional experience and reasonable thinking.
- Look for similarities between people or things, rather than differences.
- Ask yourself: “what am I missing about this situation?” or “what do I not yet understand about this thing, and how could I understand it?”
- Journal or talk to a friend about how these common dialectical tensions make sense:
- You can be doing the best you can, AND you need to do better.
- You can love yourself (or someone else) exactly as you/they are, AND you can want (them) to change.
- You can have a meaningful life AND you can have suicidal thoughts.
- You can love someone AND be really really angry at them.
- Someone can hurt your feelings AND they can love you.
- You can disagree with someone AND you can remain friends.
- You can totally understand and validate your emotions AND you can still wish you reacted differently and work to change your reactions in the future.
- You can focus on goals and being productive AND you can rest and enjoy life.
- You can value autonomy and independence AND you can value collaboration and interdependence.
- You can be whole and perfect just as you are AND you can be an unfinished work-in-progress.
- You and your life can be forever changed by trauma AND you and your life can be happy and full.
Related Skills
Wise Mind
Find your inner wisdom.
Radical Acceptance
Acknowledge what’s true and let yourself grieve.
FAST Skills
Increase your self‑respect within relationships.
GIVE Skills
Improve your relationships and ease conflict.